The Pondering Blonde

Don’t Mind The Gap, Get Innit

Remember the day’s people went on a Gap year, returning with enough dosh to put a deposit on a house or buy a new car? Well, it’s likely those people never left their grotty flat share and ate baked beans on toast every day; kinda useless when you have one of the maddest, interesting cities at your fingertips! If you go overseas you’ve got to experience it and get your nails into the awesome, dirty, sexy culture and live it up! Well, in my almost 2 years as a party-chasing Saffa in London, I certainly did try! Here’s a scratching-the-surface summary of life on the nightshift in London Town.

London really is a melting pot of incredible culture. But you can’t sit in Wimbledon aka Little South Africa expecting it to come to you- you have to chase it and get involved. A round up of our regular (not necessarily all at once!) nocturnal team included several South Africans, a Brazilian, an Italian (and sporadically; her loud Italian entourage), a lone-ranging Turk, a couple of Aussies, two Spaniards, an American, a Welsh lass, and a good dozen curious Brits, among them! It’s a truly incredible thing to be surrounded by so many different people and never a dull moment on a night out!

It has to be said, South Africans aren’t the most stylish bunch; Saffa’s are more likely to spend cash on going out and getting hammered than on new threads, but this is a good thing… We just don’t look as good doing it. The locals are pretty lekker and accept- no, welcome- raving travellers who adopt their city and dancefloors- contrary to belief that they’ve been sulking about immigrants for decades (Those old farts moved to Cornwall ages ago anyway!) But as they say, everyone leaves eventually, and while it’s a bummer for residents to watch international friends come and go; when it comes to the London clubbing community at large, this constant shift and new energy is what keeps UK dance culture so alive and well!

The core club scene, aka those deemed the coolest club kids of all by no-one in particular- they’ve just danced up the year-miles to prove it, is actually kind of small when you elbow your way right into the thick of it- everyone knows everyone and supports everyone. And so you just have to go and party at everyone’s party every weekend- it would be rude not to. (No mean feat I tell you!) When they know you, they put you on the guestlist, let you skip the queue and coat check your stuff for free. It’s the little things that make it home, right?

If you’re still clubbing at Pacha and Ministry of Sound 6 months into your London Life it’s safe to say you probably couldn’t find the underground in a mine shaft- but hey, maybe next time you can tickle the Deadmau5 pantomime behind his ear even? Okay, big room shows are great, and the underground is not without its massive warehouse parties, but there’s nothing like an intimate shindig with your favourite dj just metres away- you can even pinch his bum if you want to… I’m just saying!

Experiencing The End before it closed and witnessing the power of its era in dance music history sucked me right in. I entered a world that crossed the border of Recreational clubbing into the 24/7 realm of Professional Party People. A community ‘headspace’ that speaks EDM- discussing venues, promoters and releases in beats per minute; the same way you might natter to your girlfriend about your day at work, the traffic and what’s for dinner. It’s something else entirely and privy to a well-networked and thriving music scene- totally worth trading your collection of pictures of The Queen to experience first ear and foot! London, you sexy vicious bitch; to be continued…

Welcome to the Electronic Re-session

BPM MAGAZINE 2009

We’re living in extreme times, people! Yep, the UK has officially (finally!- though I appreciate their initial denial) announced it is in recession, and every man, dog, and his chip shop are buttering up the newly stiff-fisted population in the hopes of prying a few of them dead weight gold coins from their purses.

But before you buy into this ‘Recession Philosophy’ be warned: When you want a Mozzarella, Tomato and Pesto Panini but come out the sandwich cafe with two because it was only a pound extra on the Recession Special menu, you have being taken the piss, my friend! Seriously, the only time you ever buy into that kind of marketing scheme is when the discount applies to alcohol- especially in times like these!

Now I could lure you into a great depression with woeful tales about redundancy, the property markets, the price of eggs, and make your feel sick to your stomach recalling your spend at the Boxing Day sales (and I was on one of the first busses in, I won’t lie!) but frankly my dears, I think this is a bloody exciting time to be alive! It’s certainly an interesting time to be in London!

History has more then proven that times of economic hardship spur on a renewed desire for creativity and escapism. Aah yes, you’ve seen the loop hole here then? Long story short- when there is no money, people like to go out and party even more! Who would have thought! So while this is without a doubt a time to consider if you really need those new shoes, it’s not quite food-on-plate dramatic; the leverage is simply; or, one smashing night on the town with friends!? I’m all for experiences rather than things, eating is apparently cheating and I think we’ve been carefree consumers for way too long! (Besides, Vintage will be all the rage in 3, 2, 1… !)

Not since the Acid House Revolution in the late 80’s/early 90’s have we been in a better position to experience- and get caught up in- a most incredible new movement! A fresh emergence of music, fashion and art as a result of the struggle! Think about it- this is the all encompassing, culture creating, energy renewing, never-forget-because-we-lived-it downturn of our generation, that gives us enough sour to make us come together and unite to form the power of the sweet! Okay, odd analogy, but with purpose: The music has been good but temperamental; we live life to the max, savour the moment but we spend our silent Mondays wondering what it was all for!

Now, according to the incessant wailings on various nightlife forums, it seems London- or Londoners anyway- have all but taken the feather from its cap and bowed out of position as an international clubbing Mecca due to the closure of several prominent, okay- revolutionary!- nightclubs over the past 2 years. The Cross, The Key, Canvas, Turnmills, The Astoria and most recently, The End, have all played their last tune and dragged out the last legless warrior, leaving a gaping hole in London club culture and panic without the disco has never been more evident! They all want to know, ‘Where is the new beginning? Do we need to move to Berlin?’

Slow down I say; all is not lost! This is no doubt the end of an epic era; Layo Paskin, owner of The End admitted in a recent interview that Britain’s clubbing scene is in need of a new direction- or just a cause?- and maybe the clubs timeous closure is evidence he’s knows something we don’t. So what’s next? The Warehouse Rave revival? Oooh, maybe this summer we’ll all be dancing crop circles into the English countryside!? But never you fear; a pulsating new hotspot and happening audio adventure is on the way. I can feel it in my techno fingers and it’ll be fascinating to witness!

Until then, a North London club has launched an indie-rock night called Recession! And claims it will pay you a pound for every hour you spend inside- although that’s after you’ve paid a fiver to get in… still, it’s a way to keep on keeping on if you need one, and one of the many ways Clubland is giving back so we can keep dancing forward.

The French Revolution potentially started with Marie Antoinette uttering, ‘Let them eat cake!’… Two friends of mine once ate 8p noodles for two weeks as a result of raving beyond their means, and while I think that kind of extreme is not conducive to a balanced anything, never mind diet, I would certainly rather eat bread and dance the night away with friends than devour any kind of expensive delicacy and stay at home! The next revolution is ours and our party fighting spirits will not be made redundant!

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Nu-ravers

BPM Magazine 2009

I like to think I’m not a romantic; that I could give any marketer a run for their moneys-worth and that I would all but revolt before joining the i-pod generation- simply because I enjoy being fickle towards popular culture. However, a series of events; a black cab ride from Heathrow Airport to the most perfectly quaint red-doored house, a perfectly soggy weathered pub lunch and amble down Oxford Street- and a perfectly proper ‘avin it large’ night on the town, and London had me; heart and sold and on the i-train to ‘innut bruv’dom.

It’s possible I’m still just flushed, The Big Smoke and I are more than likely still in the Honeymoon phase of our journey, but this is one sexy little city! Scratch that… Huge-ass mother fucking city! Don’t gasp, the Chavs made me do it!

London really is everything everyone tells you it is; silently miffed Englishmen and women, reading the paper on the tube; excessively graffiti’d walls- well, any flat surface really! Stodgy as hell food- they love their smokey bbq’d bacon, mash and peas- and I hate peas! ‘Heathrow Injection’ is not a myth; it’s a freak of friggen nature I’m evading like the plague! The sky is always a different shade of grey, everyone wears black and bad sneakers to work, the Polish have officially taken over and you really do have to mind the gap between the train and the platform. But it’s art if I ever saw any! This is thee most diverse and cutting edge place in the world… The culture, lifestyle; extravert people and pace of living in a first world city are enough to woo any hardened sunshine lover!

And all this before I’ve even mentioned what we’re all here for: The variety of music to see, hear and shake your ass to is unimaginable! There is so much music in London I have seriously considered pitching for a national sponsorship to fund me to live the EDM lovers dream! Hey, I strongly believe someone should try listen and dance to it all- why can’t it be me? If The Queen reads this; “Lady, I hear you have a very big stone of ours in the royal jewelry box- its time to show some Saffa love!”

Seriously, the Nightlife here is beyond incredible. The chaos-inducing mix of Guy Richie meets Irvine Welsh for an all-weekend boogie binge could be an apt description of the situation. There are enough loyal lovers of every music genre to fill up the Wembly Stadium. From the faux-classy but nasty Chav culture bopping to Speed Garage and Nu Ravers who take Hard Dance to a whole new level in fluffy boots and swatches of Neon lycra- to the Drum and Bass massive, Psy-trancers, Techno-logists and the Punk Rockers of Camden Town- there is a beat to suit your mood every night of the week!

Queues to get into nightclubs snake around the block and some guest lists are 500 names long! Bouncers discreetly- or not so- watch over the proceedings and keep the walkways flowing- you have to take the safety of 5000 people in a big dark room seriously, and so, don’t think twice about riddancing with a vengeance any unsociable beer-breed behavior. And the beer- for you connoisseurs- comes in 65 varieties- and the boys from the Bokyard still drink Amstel!

Fabric, took everything I thought I knew about clubbing, threw it on the dancefloor (which has speakers imbedded underneath), moshed it to the sound of the Scratch Perverts remixing ‘Jump’ and made me enjoy it. This Club Capital of London goes 4 floors underground, has a vending machine that pops out Minimal Techno albums- have you ever?- and is famed for it’s casual line-ups of the worlds top artists and performers. Did I mention I’m looking to marry a nice Pom so I can stay here forever?

The Big Smoke was recently put out however, when Mister Brown- the Queens trusty sidekick- declared no smoking in all restaurants and clubs. Whilst I’m happy to go home without my hair smelling like Camel breath- Patrons now have to collect their jackets from the dedicated coat checks before stealing a quick puff in the icy night air and returning to thaw-out with a few excessively priced Tequila’s! This is the reason people hit the bottle before hitting the clubs- drinking in public is legal! Good thing no-one is driving ye?

A good night-out doesn’t end until the sunrise session- if only because waiting for the tubes to start around 6.30 will save you 50 Quid on a cab home! Or you can march on to ‘breakfast shots’ at The Egg or The End- and commence another beginning- Sunday clubbing is huge! Somewhere in the middle, I might have stopped and wondered if I’d lost the plot- but then my favourite track came on and I realised, in London, I may have just found it! Have your next cup of tea on me!